I realize that my goal of who I would like to become is drawn from my sick mind. She is perfect. She is thin and muscular, eats only fruit and vegetables, is kind all the time to everyone. This imaginary character is what my craziness envisioned for myself. Why just listen to angels when you could be one, right?
This year, just passed, I lost part of my right upper arm to melanoma. I am missing two-thirds of my right eyebrow. A piece of eyelid had to be removed because of a milder form of skin cancer. The problem with cancer is that it just keeps growing. My face and body at 42 are not how I thought they would be.
My New Year Resolution for 2019 is to live in the present moment. I want to go kayaking now, not when I get a chance. I want to do yoga now, not when I’m cute in yoga pants. I want to receive bodywork now, not someday when I can afford it. I want to meditate now, so that I can be easily kind.
I’m experiencing an inner struggle between teaching myself discipline or living in moderation. Become vegan versus eat small portions of yummy comfort foods. Am I trying to change my brain chemistry or trying to learn how to use my own crazy combo of brain chemistry to the best of its broken ability?
